10 Things I Learned In My First Year Of Marriage
As I’m writing this, I can’t believe I’ve been married for just over a year! What a year it was. After dating Michael for 10 years, it was about danggg time we tied the knot when we did. I’ve heard it said again and again that the first year of marriage is always the hardest. Maybe you’ve heard that too? I can attest that it isn’t the easiest. You’ll face challenges, but also great joy. I’ve learned so much about myself during my first year of marriage, and about marriage in general. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve learned to encourage you if you’re a new wife, or planning to be… because sometimes we just need to know that we’re not alone.
1. Change Will Happen
You’re probably thinking, DUH! But I promise you it’s so true. And for a girl who has not always been a fan of change, marriage changes you. Not only are you living with your husband, seeing him every single day, adapting to his weird habits all while growing together as newlyweds… it’s a HUGE life change! It’s beautifully messy in every way. Allow yourself the ability to mold into the wife or husband you were created for. If fights happen, let them. But make sure to always kiss before bed or bring them coffee in the morning. Showing that you care for each other is truly the best way to create a healthy marriage, along with all the changes you may face.
2. Relationships Shift
Be prepared for some of your friends to leave you, or talk to you less, since you’ve gotten married. I never thought I’d lose the amount of friends I did. A weird shift happened where the people I thought were in my corner no longer were, simply because I said my vows to my person. It’s weird, but maybe you’ll experience it, too. Also don’t be surprised if some family dynamics change. You are now one with your spouse, and they come before everyone else… yes, including your parents. Be ready to stick up for your marriage and fight for it, no matter what that may look like. On the bright side, you’ll become friends with other married friends once you get married! Making new friends and memories as newlyweds is key to maintaining a healthy balance of individuality and companionship.
3. Intentionality Is Everything
I’ll be honest, I suck at being intentional sometimes. Throughout this past year, I’ve been trying extra hard to show Michael how much I honor him in my life through being more intentional. Whether that’s putting my phone down while he’s telling me about his day at work, or cooking his favorite meals even if I’m exhausted at the end of the day… finding those moments to be intentional, even if they are few and far between sometimes, can make all the difference in your marriage. Especially if you’re married to someone who’s love language is acts of service (ME!). Michael is amazing at it, me….not so much. But hey, marriage is a lifelong journey and I’ve committed myself for the long haul. It takes time and patience with each other, but I promise you your spouse will always appreciate your intentionality.
4. Choose Fights Wisely
So let me get personal for a second. Growing up, I wasn’t in control of most of my life. When I became an adult, I soon realized that I had a control problem over the silliest of things, like making my bed every morning or putting the silverware a certain way in the dishwasher. Getting married strips you of all of those things you think you can “control”. Michael and I would literally fight about the stupidest things in the beginning months of our marriage, and would go to bed furious at each other, all because we didn’t agree on something small. After our first year of marriage, one huge lesson I’ve learned is to just bite my tongue sometimes, and to choose our fights wisely. Do I really need to tell him as soon as he walks in the door that he forgot to take out the trash? No, probably not. But do I want to because I want to remind him to take out the trash? Well, yeah. But sometimes just keeping quiet and allowing a man to be a man is wiser, and reduces the conflict within marriage. It also allows home to truly be a safe space, not just where we both nag at each other constantly. I’ve also learned not to complain as much, which I’ll explain here in a second…
5. Complaining Will Kill Your Marriage
Not saying you can’t ever complain, because life happens. But if you’re someone who consistenly complains about every little thing that goes wrong, or has a muddy perspective on life itself, it will inevitably begin to drain your spouse, and ultimately put the fire out on your marriage. Your spouse is not meant to be a garbage can, ready to consume whatever it is you put inside. In other words, the words you say and the attitude you bring home matters. Complaining about your spouse to your spouse on a consistent basis will bring them down, and make them feel like they can never be enough. Complaining about your spouse to your friends and family is also a slippery slope, since it can shift perspectives on that person. Be cautious about who you talk to. Learn to become content in your marriage, and communicate with your spouse in a healthy way. Don’t let your anger burn within for days, and then explode when you’ve had enough. Instead, give yourself the freedom to express your feelings within your marriage and admire your spouse for listening and being present with you in those moments. Remember this: CONTENTMENT > COMPLAINING, always.
6. The Hamper Situation
Ladies, this one is for you. You might soon realize that your husband knows exactly where the hamper is located, but can never quite seem to make his clothes in there. Take my advice, and just pick up his clothes with a smile and don’t let it become a huge issue. I remember the first few months of marriage, Michael would always leave his dirty socks on the floor right next to the hamper. Me, a girl who is a clean freak, would literally get so angry inside every single time I saw those stinky socks laying on the floor. I remember yelling at him, “Why can’t you just put your socks in the freaking hamper!?!?!?” and it exhausted me. I was praying one day about it, and the Lord literally said, “Shayla, those socks won’t be there forever” and it truly did shift my perspective. Now, I find grace in picking up those socks whenever I see them on the floor, and sometimes laugh when I throw them in the hamper. From my lessons of grace, I encourage give yourself grace to feel those moments of frustration and anger towards your spouse when necessary, but also strive to see the beauty in the mundane acts such as picking up socks off the floor.
7. Communicate Everything
Your husband or wife is your best friend, so always try your hardest to communicate. Finding your voice and using it in your marriage is crucial. Expressing your emotions in a healthy way is so valuable, and can truly uplift your marriage. Whether you’re upset about something, or maybe you felt disappointed, its best to communicate rather than let it fester. Never hold how you feel inside, because I guarantee your person wants to know how you’re feeling. Allow yourself the freedom to share with your spouse, even if you feel like you don’t need to. Sharing and communicating creates intimacy, which should be a priority in your marriage. There is truly an attack on the intimacy within marriage in this generation, so my advice is to try your hardest to cultivate a safe space within your marriage to share with each other.
8. Sometimes He Just Needs Time Alone
Yep, it’s true. And sometimes it’s so hard to come to terms with this one. If you’re anything like me, you want to spend all your time with your spouse! But everyone has different ways of recharging, and I’ve learned that sometimes he just needs to be alone to recharge from an exhausting day or if he’s overwhelmed with life. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, it just means he needs a little time to be alone so he can be a better husband for me. I used to not understand this, and get upset and feel unwanted. But after our first year of marriage, I realized that he’s a better man when he has his alone time. Otherwise, he feels like he can’t function properly or takes his frustrations out on me. It’s better for the both of us if he gets his “me time” too.
9. Don’t Keep Track
I mean this with everythingggg, not just chores and things to do around the house. Don’t hold grudges. Sometimes you might have to do it all, but remind him gently that he’s slacking and you need his help. Men tend to focus on their jobs, rather than the house keeping. I think women instinctively want to be the homemakers, but quickly burn out feeling like they’re doing it all alone. Husbands are there to help, too! They might just be preoccupied sometimes. Give each other grace as you’re figuring out your routines in the day to day. Encourage each other through even the mundane tasks, and always say Thank You. Keeping track of what he/she is/isn’t doing will quickly create conflict between the both of you. Trust me!
10. Marriage Really Is Beautiful
So beautiful. Yes, there will be fights, days where you don’t know where you’re going, moments where nothing makes sense and maybe you’re questioning everything. But at the end of the day, you both said vows to fight for each other until the end of your days. You get to wake up next to your best friend and continue to find joy, even in the painful moments. You always have a shoulder to learn on, and a hand to hold. There is so much beauty in the midst of marriage. Find it, and hold onto it. Never let go, and never forget how God has blessed you to find the person you were meant to walk life alongside. Soak it in, because there will come a day where it won’t be that way, inevitably. Cling to the joy, and pray against the darkness. Wake up everyday thankful that you GET to live life with this person, your forever. Everyday is a fresh start with your soul mate.
MARRIAGE IS BEAUTIFUL.
You could say I learned a lot in my first year of marriage. Somethings came easy, others really surprised me. I am not the same woman I was a year ago, but for that I’m thankful. To always evolve and grow is a delight for me. I am forever thankful to Jesus for His grace in my life, shifting my perspectives and giving me joy in some of the dark moments. I can’t wait to see where I’ll be in the next year, the things I’ll learn and the life awaiting me within my marriage.
